Coping Strategies & Adaptation: Moving Through, Not Just Past, What Hurts

When life throws us into the unexpected—grief, stress, relationship strain, or transitions—it’s natural to reach for something to help us cope. We want relief, and often, we want it fast. But coping is more than just surviving the hard moments. True adaptation happens when we slow down and tune in to what’s really going on underneath the surface.

As a therapist grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I see coping not as a set of “fix-it” skills, but as a way of emotionally reorganizing ourselves in the face of distress. EFT teaches us that painful emotions—like fear, shame, or sadness—aren’t problems to get rid of. They’re signals. They point us toward unmet needs, wounds we carry, or longings for connection and safety.

Adaptive vs. Reactive Coping

Many of us learn reactive coping patterns early in life—some consciously, some unconsciously. These might look like shutting down emotionally, avoiding conflict, over-functioning, turning to substances, people-pleasing, or withdrawing into work or distractions. And often, these strategies once served a purpose. They helped you manage pain, avoid risk, or feel in control when things were chaotic.

But what works for survival doesn’t always serve us in connection.

Reactive coping often keeps us distant from our emotions and from others. It tends to reinforce a message: “It’s not safe to feel this,” or “No one will really be there for me.” And over time, that distance can feel isolating or even numbing.

Adaptive coping, on the other hand, is rooted in emotional awareness. It allows us to notice what we’re feeling, stay present with it, and respond from a grounded, self-connected place. Adaptive strategies may not remove the pain, but they invite us to move through it rather than suppress it. They help us find safety not in control, but in connection with ourselves and with others.

From EFT’s Perspective: Emotion as a Guide

Emotionally Focused Therapy sees emotion not as a problem, but as a compass. When we’re overwhelmed, we often want to avoid or shut down difficult emotions. But in EFT, we lean into them. Emotions—especially vulnerable ones like fear, sadness, shame, and longing—hold essential information about what we need and how we experience the world.

In therapy, I help clients slow down and listen to these emotional signals. For example, a partner who reacts with frustration might, underneath, be feeling deeply alone or unseen. Someone who withdraws in conflict might, at their core, fear being too much or not enough. These are not just “feelings to manage,” they’re emotional truths waiting to be understood and responded to with care.

By tuning in to these inner experiences, we open the door to emotional healing. Clients begin to express themselves more clearly, connect more vulnerably with others, and shift long-standing patterns that have kept them stuck.

Supporting Real Change: Adaptive Coping Strategies that Align with EFT

Rather than handing out one-size-fits-all coping tools, I work collaboratively with clients to explore strategies that connect with their values, experiences, and emotional truths. Here are a few that often emerge in our work:

Grounding in the Present

Mindfulness and somatic (body-based) techniques help anchor you in the here and now, especially during emotional overwhelm. Breathing exercises, guided imagery, or noticing physical sensations can gently bring you back from spiraling thoughts and reconnect you to a sense of stability.

Naming the Feeling

Language matters. Naming an emotion—“I feel anxious,” “I feel ashamed,” “I feel forgotten,” can reduce its intensity and make it more approachable. It also invites connection. When we can name what’s happening inside, we make space for others to meet us there.

Connection Over Correction

Often, our instinct is to "fix" or silence our pain, but reaching out and sharing our emotional experience with someone safe can bring deeper healing. Adaptive coping invites co-regulation—using connection to regulate distress instead of self-isolation or perfectionism.

Rewriting the Narrative

So many of our coping patterns are shaped by early life experiences, family dynamics, or cultural messages. In therapy, we explore where these patterns came from and gently challenge the ones that no longer serve you. This work often leads to more freedom and choice in how you respond to life.

Self-Compassion

It’s hard to adapt when you’re judging yourself harshly. Offering yourself grace and curiosity, rather than criticism, can soften rigid coping defenses and create space for emotional flexibility. Compassion is often the soil where healthier strategies can take root.

You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Adaptation isn’t about “fixing” yourself or doing more. It’s about becoming more fully present to who you are, how you feel, and what you need. It’s about learning to trust your inner experience—and allowing yourself to be supported in it.

Whether you’re trying to cope with anxiety, grief, relationship struggles, or the weight of simply trying to hold it all together, therapy can offer a space to untangle the deeper emotional patterns behind your current strategies. We’ll explore what’s helped you survive and what might help you thrive.

Real support starts with being understood, not fixed.

Looking for counseling services in Akron, OH? Let’s work together to create new ways of responding to life’s challenges—rooted in safety, connection, and self-compassion. We offer individual counseling, couples counseling, family therapy, and group counseling services located in Downtown Akron, OH.

With hope for your journey,

Danaé Behr, MFT-T

Marriage and Family Therapist in Akron, OH

Book a Session with Danaé

References

1. Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection (2nd ed.). New York: Routledge.

2. Greenberg, L. S., & Paivio, S. C. (1997). Working with Emotions in Psychotherapy. New York: Guilford Press.

3. Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: William Morrow.

4. Bonanno, G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events? American Psychologist, 59(1), 20–28.

5. Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician’s Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

6. Folkman, S., & Lazarus, R. S. (1984). Stress, Appraisal, and Coping. New York: Springer.

7. Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. New York: Norton.

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