Finding Your Voice and Listening to Theirs: Communication Skills for Healing Relationships

Dr. Michael Gamble
May 31
7 min read

Updated: Jun 1

Smiling older couple on a couch, woman holding a mug, wearing casual clothes. Bright, cozy setting with white curtains in the background.

Hi there. I’m Danaé Behr, MFT-T, a Marriage and Family Therapist at Fire and Love Wellness. One of the most impactful parts of therapy is learning how to communicate, not just to be heard, but to feel understood and to connect more deeply with those who matter most.

It is amazing how much relief and connection can come from feeling heard and understood! But I also know it’s not always easy. Many of us never acquired these skills during our childhood. We might have grown up in families where feelings weren’t talked about openly, or where conflicts turned into shouting matches or the silent treatment.

But communication isn’t just about the words we use, defending our point, or helping our partner understand their responsibility in our suffering; it’s about sharing our underlying feelings to help our partner or loved one better understand us and how we operate. In therapy, I help people find the courage to speak more openly, share with purpose, and listen more intently. These skills aren’t just about talking, they’re about building trust, connection, and removing walls that have been constructed over time.

Why Communication Skills Matter in Therapy

“It feels so vulnerable to share, but I also want to be understood.”

A couple sits on a couch, attentively talking to a counselor. The room is neutral-toned with a plant. The mood is calm and engaged.

Opening up isn’t easy. When we share what’s going on inside, it can feel risky, like we’re putting ourselves out there without a safety net. There’s a fear we might be judged, misunderstood, or even rejected. Yet, that willingness to be vulnerable is exactly what makes connection possible.

That’s why communication skills are so important in therapy. It’s not just about saying the right words, but about helping you find a way to express what’s underneath those feelings; sometimes things that have been hard to put into words before. When you start communicating in a way that feels clearer and more honest, it becomes easier for others to hear you without jumping to defend themselves. This creates space for understanding.

To support this process, we focus on practical skills such as:

✅ Expressing feelings clearly and directly

✅ Listening with empathy and curiosity

✅ Slowing down and staying present in moments of tension

Therapy isn’t about getting it perfect. It’s about learning how to create moments where you can feel safe sharing and being heard. These skills help you break down old walls that have kept you stuck in patterns of misunderstanding or distance. Step by step, they help you build relationships where you can be seen and understood for who you really are.

Communication skills are the heartbeat of healthy relationships. They help us move from feeling stuck or alone to feeling more connected and supported. These practices create a safe space to be vulnerable and to show up more fully in our relationships. They help us feel seen and cared for—often in ways we didn’t know we needed.

Breaking Generational Patterns

“I don't understand why I always get so angry and defensive about this—it’s like my whole body goes on alert.”

Elderly couple embraces in foreground, watching family of four walking away in sunny field. Warm tones, distant hills, peaceful scene. Generational

The way we communicate is often shaped by what we learned in our families, passed down from one generation to the next. If you grew up in a home where vulnerability wasn’t welcome, defensiveness was the norm, or the yelling was the only way of communication, it can feel natural to repeat those patterns in your own life.

But therapy can be a place to pause and ask:

When I get reactive or defensive now, does it remind me of how I felt growing up?

Often, our responses today are echoes of early experiences. When you notice yourself becoming defensive, it’s an invitation to ask yourself: What memories or emotions from childhood might be surfacing? Maybe the feeling of being unheard, unseen, or unsafe is still active beneath the surface, shaping how you respond now.

How did I protect myself in those moments, and how am I still doing that now?

Protection looks different depending on the situation, but it often involves shutting down, raising walls, or becoming reactive. Reflect on what strategies you learned to keep yourself safe as a child, or what was modeled for you by a caregiver. Consider how those same strategies may still show up in your relationships today. Understanding these patterns can help you choose new ways to feel secure.

Before the defensiveness, what was really going on inside me?

Defensiveness can be a shield covering more vulnerable emotions like fear, hurt, or shame. Take a moment to look beneath the surface: What feelings are you really experiencing before the walls go up? Recognizing these hidden emotions can be the first step toward expressing yourself more openly and with less fear.

What feelings or thoughts usually come right before I feel angry?

Anger is often a response to other, more tender feelings, like sadness, frustration, or feeling powerless. Notice what thoughts or sensations build just before anger appears. Are you feeling overwhelmed, dismissed, or unheard? Becoming aware of these early signs can help you respond more thoughtfully, rather than reacting automatically.

By noticing these patterns and understanding their roots, from family or previous experiences, you can begin to choose a different way—one that honors your needs, breaks generational cycles, and brings you closer to the people you love.

Overcoming Defensiveness

“I don’t want to be wrong, because it feels like admitting I’ve failed.”

Woman gesturing emotionally to a man holding his head in distress on a beige sofa in a cozy living room; coffee cups on the table. Couple is arguing. They both are becoming defensive.

This feeling is incredibly common and understandable. When we’re faced with the possibility of being wrong, it can feel like more than just a mistake — it can feel like a personal failure, a crack in our sense of who we are. Admitting fault sometimes feels like admitting weakness or not living up to the expectations we hold for ourselves or that others have for us. It can stir up deep fears of rejection, disappointment, or not being worthy of love and respect.

But what if being wrong isn’t failure, but a moment of courage and growth? What if it’s an opening to learn more about ourselves, to deepen connection, and to build trust through honesty?

In therapy, we explore how defensiveness shows up in your life and what feelings might be hiding underneath. Instead of shutting down or lashing out, we practice saying things like:

“I feel hurt and unsure when this happens.”

“I want to feel closer to you, but I’m worried I’ll mess it up.”

These words might feel vulnerable, but they’re also an invitation for deeper connection, more understanding, and genuine healing. Once we recognize these patterns and the feelings behind our defensiveness, we can begin to work on shifting how we respond.

What if We’ve Never Seen This in Action?

“Healing means building skills we never had a chance to learn.”

Child in a yellow dress steps on an adult's navy sneakers, playfully dancing on a woven rug in a cozy room with soft lighting. Trusting him to lead her.

For many of us, open and honest communication wasn’t something we grew up seeing in our families, with friendships, or otherwise. Maybe we learned to keep quiet, to avoid conflict, or to protect ourselves from vulnerability. These patterns often run deep, shaped by generations before us, and it’s no wonder we might feel unsure or stuck when it comes to sharing our honest feelings.

But the beautiful thing is that these skills can be learned. In therapy, we create space to practice new ways of speaking, listening, and responding—gently and without judgment. We explore where these patterns come from and how they might still be affecting us today. We practice replacing old habits of blame or defensiveness with more curious, caring questions. We try out “I statements” and active listening, even if it feels awkward at first.

“Growth begins when I realize I can change the patterns I inherited.”

Recognizing this is powerful because it means you don’t have to stay stuck in the ways you learned to cope or connect. You’re not doomed to repeat what you saw growing up or learned from life experiences. Instead, you’re invited to pause, reflect, and choose a new path.

These skills are not about perfection: They’re about practicing more open and honest ways of connecting, slowing down, and discovering more about yourself and your relationships. In therapy, we focus on helping you build these skills at a pace that feels right for you so you can lay the groundwork for healthier, more supportive relationships.

With this understanding and a willingness to learn, we can begin practicing specific communication skills that create space for connection.

Building New Communication Skills: I Statements and Active Listening

“When I speak my feelings, I invite connection, not conflict.”

A couple laughs together on a colorful striped hammock in a lush green garden. The man wears a blue shirt, the woman a plaid shirt.

Expressing our feelings honestly can feel risky, especially when past experiences have taught us that sharing might lead to misunderstandings or arguments. But when we use tools like I statements, we create space to communicate in a way that focuses on our own experience rather than placing blame.

For example, saying, “I feel overwhelmed when I’m interrupted,” invites the other person to understand your feelings without feeling attacked.

The tone of how you say this matters, too. Using a gentle, calm voice—what’s often called a “soft start-up”—can help the listener feel less defensive and more open to hearing you.

Active listening also plays a vital role in this process. Active listening means fully focusing on the other person, putting aside distractions, suspending judgment, and honestly hearing what they are saying, both with words and feelings. It is about reflecting back what you hear, asking clarifying questions, and showing empathy.

For example, imagine your partner says, “I’m frustrated because I feel like you don’t hear me.” An active listening response might be, “It sounds like you’re feeling ignored, and that’s making you frustrated. Is that right?” This kind of reflection shows you’re listening and trying to understand their experience rather than jumping to defend yourself or explain. When it's time to listen, turn off your thought process of how you're planning to respond, and seek to understand your partner's perspective.

When both people practice active listening, it shows that they value and respect each other’s feelings and experiences. Clear expression of feelings, combined with open, attentive listening, helps reduce misunderstandings and fosters mutual understanding, even during challenging conversations.

A New Way Forward🌻

A happy and joyful family lay together on the floor with one daughter. The family is smiling. Woman in orange shirt and man is white shirt.

If you find yourself here, know that many of us are figuring this out too, and that growth takes time. Learning new ways to communicate can be challenging, especially when certain ways have been ingrained for so long.

My role is to provide a supportive space where you can explore new ways of relating and begin to recognize the patterns that have kept you feeling stuck. Change often takes time and patience, and it’s rarely a straight path, but you don’t have to do it alone. Together, we can work toward clearer communication and healthier connections that better reflect who you want to be in your relationships.

If you’d like to explore this work further, I’m here to support you.

With gentle care,